


Filing, and other Weapons of Mass Destruction

by Sapphy, SapphyWatchesYouSleep (Sapphy)



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Ficlet, Gen, Human Resources, Humor, Ridiculous, SHIELD, Wordcount: 100-1.000, the Avengers hate paperwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2013-05-30
Packaged: 2017-12-13 10:31:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/SapphyWatchesYouSleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson is on medical leave. The Avengers show their displeasure through passive aggressive use of SHIELD paperwork.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Filing, and other Weapons of Mass Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know guys, I really don't. I blame Clint.
> 
> FYI, Elixir is a mutant with the power to heal people.
> 
> Not beta'd or yank-picked.
> 
> Dedicated to all the people behind the scenes in the 616 and movieverse, filling out paperwork, filing damage reports and generally making sure things don't implode.

Agent North rubbed her head, and wondered if she could pay someone to magically heal Coulson, because there was no way she was going to survive being in charge of Avengers paperwork until he get better by himself.

It wasn’t even the damage assessments (although, yeah, the damage assessments were terrifying, and she had no idea how SHIELD afforded any of this when one fight could cost most than the entire damn hellicarrier). The damage assessments she could deal with. The problem was the reports.

Honestly, she hadn’t expected them to actually bother with them. She thought that, at most, she’d have one from the Captain and one from Romanoff. But no, every member of the team filed one, apparently at the Captain’s request. She got the impression he thought he was being helpful.

It was amazing just how difficult superheroes could make her life, even with passive aggressive paperwork as their only weapon.

Agent Romanoff, naturally, handed in her reports promptly. They were neatly filled out, in regulation black ink, and contained all the information required by an incident report and nothing extraneous. Romanoff would have been North’s favorite. If she hadn’t insisted on writing her reports in Russian.

The Captain, naturally, filed a neat and comprehensible report. Apart from the fact that she had to keep a dictionary of 1930s slang on the table beside her while she worked, his reports were almost acceptable.

Banner, in an unusual fit of cruelty, or possibly just as a protest against being made to fill in forms about things he didn’t remember, had filed a report that read, in its entirety, “HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH MORE! THEN HULK SLEEP.”

Stark had submitted an MP4 video recording, showing the fight as seen from the armor, and a piece of paper says “watch the damn video.”

Thor, she could almost forgive. Almost. After all, they probably didn’t have official paperwork on Asgaard. She was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was entirely possible that he thought SHIELD _wanted_ the fight recounted in the form of an Icelandic saga.

And then there was Barton. North had encountered Barton a lot during her time at SHIELD. Right up until she had to read his paperwork, she’d liked the guy.

It wasn’t just that his spelling was exactly as bad as you’d expect from someone who ran away to join the circus instead of going to school or that he provided illustrations, little stick figure Hawkeyes fighting stick figure bad guys in the margins of every page. It wasn’t even the fact that he insisted on referring to Stark Tower as ‘the island of misfit toys’.  
It was the fact that he wrote the damn things up as though he were talking about a children’s party.

“Steve,” she read aloud to herself, “decided that the children from the Island of Misfit Toys should go and play with the children from Hydra, because they had come to visit New York and they had no one to play with. Steve is very kind. He does not like people to be lonely, even if they’re mean poo-heads like the children from Hydra.”

She’d been through past incident reports from the team, she knew damn well that Barton was capable of providing a proper damn report! She rubbed her temples. Not even five years handling Quasar had prepared her for this. She could not wait until Coulson was back on his feet, and she could go back to not dealing with damn superheroes who acted like damn children!

She wandered if Elixir would be open to bribes.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at lentilswitheverything (general fandom blog) or gluttonforpunsihment (personal and fanfic recs)
> 
> Comments are win and awesome


End file.
